THREE GUYS AND… WWE
series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson
“SOUTHPAW REGIONAL WRESTLING”
written by Dominick Cappello
Found footage pro wrestling? It’s like a dream come true. Southpaw Regional Wrestling is an affection parody of 1970s and 1980s southern based wrestling. All four episodes can be found on the WWE’s YouTube channel. Something that both old school and new school wrestling fans can enjoy. The episodes hyped a super-card being held on February 29, 1987. A month before WrestleMania III. The uptight play-by-play man is Lance Catamaran, played by none other than John Cena. His color commentator is Chip Chetterfield, played by Fandango of all people. Nice to see WWE remembers him. Chip is a balding alcoholic and seems seriously depressed. Tex Ferguson, a gruff version of a Hulk Hogan or a Jesse “The Body” Ventura type, played by Luke Gallows is in a blood feud with his former best friend Chadd 2 Badd, played by Karl Anderson, who resembles a young Michael P.S. Hayes. The best thing WWE has done with The Club in a long time. It seems that Tex is the victim of many off-camera beat downs. Something that The Four Horseman would do to Dusty Rhodes on a regular basis. The interviews are conducted by Clint Bobski, played by Chris Jericho, but Clint’s only there because his uncle runs the network. The SRW World Heavyweight Champion is John Johnson, played by TJ Perkins, who’s bland as bland can be. The role TJ Perkins was born to play. “Nature Boy” Ric Flair narrates their KFC commercials even though he claims SRW can’t afford him. Heath Slater is Impressive Pelvis Wesley, an even more blatant Elvis Presley knockoff than The Honky Tonk Man was. Rusev is Big Bartholomew, a Hillbilly Jim like heroic farmer. Lana, Rusev’s real life wife, played Christian Joy and she was revealed to be Big Bartholomew’s cousin. His cousin was played by his wife. Their family farm is purchased by an evil banker name Mr. Mackelroy, played by Tyler Breeze. Someone else who’s being wasted on actual WWE programming. Mr. Mackelroy eventually found himself a substitute for his match with Big Bartholomew. A sea creature called Sea Creature. It was someone wearing a seriously cheap lizard person costume. This was akin to Kane as Christmas Creature down in Memphis. A vignette hyped The Ascension making their debut as Surf Dudes with Attitudes. I’m not sure who they were poking fun at with this gimmick. I recall Diesel & Shawn Michaels calling themselves Two Dudes with Attitudes back in 1995, but the vignette reminded more of something lame like when Johnny Ace & Shane Douglas were The Dynamic Dudes in WCW. It took me a minute to realize who was playing La Barba Grande. It turned out to be Luke Harper. La Barba Grande translates to “big beard,” so I guess that was a clue. The death of SRW was when it was discovered that 1987 wasn’t actually a leap year and that the month of February ended on the 28th, so they had been hyping show on a date which didn’t even exist. SRW was never heard from again. I wonder if Jim Cornette is going to rant about WWE having fun at the expense of the brand of wrestling he adores or will he bite his tongue because The Rock & Roll Express is being inducted into the Hall of Fame this year?
Damn you WWE for making me like John Cena!
– Dr. Jelly