THREE GUYS AND… RETRO WRESTLING
series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson
“OSW REVIEW VS. THE DUNGEON OF DOOM”
written by Dominick Cappello
This is my second article which pays tribute to the three Irish born Golden Noggers… Who were given a golden spike for their sins… Jay Hunter, V1, and Mr. OOC with honorable mention going to Maffew of Botchamania. When it comes to OSW Review, I’ll stick to the wrestling related episodes even though I also love their movie reviews. They even tried to make sense of “The Happening” (2008)! In the pocket! Out of sight! Wavy trees!
WWE SURVIVOR SERIES 2014 (Episode 45)
Evidently, V1 and Mr. OOC aren’t too keen on modern WWE and you can’t really blame them. Just the other day a friend of mine was giving me some serious shit for still watching wrestling. So, who joins Jay Hunter for this episode? It’s Maffew of Botchamania! OSW Review meets Botchamania!? It’s like when Hulkamania met Macho Madness! I’d like to think that Jay and Maffew did The Mega Powers handshake. The less said about the pre-show the better (other than Bad News Barrett). The pay-per-view proper began with a John Cena / Mr. McMahon / The Authority promo. Why? This is a pay-per-view. It’s suppose to be the culmination of storylines, but here we had more exposition. Bullshit. It seems like so long ago when Damien Mizdow was one of the most over superstars on the WWE roster. Survivor Series 2014 was in many ways his crowning moment as he scored the winning pin-fall in a Fatal 4-Way match for the Tag Team Titles. It seems like the Divas tag team elimination match was WWE’s early Christmas gift to Botchamania. This is the episode that explains why they pronounce tarantula as “tarantoolah” and also the origin of “Homer Simpson, you fucking animal!” Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt ended abruptly in a DQ to set up their TLC match. Heath Slater & Titus O’Neil vs. Adam Rose & The Bunny. Wow. This was a pay-per-view match? I totally forgot that there was a Roman Reigns live via satellite promo. He said “bitch” which is the only way someone who can’t cut a decent promo can pop the crowd. AJ Lee lost the Divas Championship to Nikki Bella after Brie Bella kissed AJ. Lesbian pollen! So, I guess that Brie forgave Nikki for the whole “I wish you died in the womb” incident? If only we knew back then that this was the beginning of Nikki Bella’s historic title reign where she eventually broke AJ’s record. The WWE was being quite spiteful with that booking decision. A symbolic “fuck you” to AJ Lee and by extension CM Punk. The main event was a traditional Survivor Series tag team elimination match. How about that? The Survivor Series main event was an actually Survivor Series match for the first time since 2005. You’ll never guess what happened? The Big Show turned heel! Can you believe it!? Well, that was predictable as fuck, but what was shocking was that John Cena was not the last baby-face standing. It was Dolph Ziggler. Jay Hunter compared Dolph Ziggler to Shawn Michaels at the 2003 Survivor Series. After a barrage of referee bumps and outside interference from Triple H… it’s the WWE debut of the man called STING!!! Yes, we all know his WWE run will include jobbing to Triple H at WrestleMania XXXI and nearly having his neck broken in a WWE Championship match with Seth Rollins, but this was still an epic debut. So, who’s the star of this episode? I’ll say it’s Maffew or maybe Concession Kane the next night on RAW. Cheers. 10/10.
WCW HALLOWEEN HAVOC 1995 (Episode 46)
Still reeling from trying to comprehend “The Happening” (2008), Jay Hunter, V1, and Mr. OOC are together again, reviewing a Halloween themed pay-per-view for a jolly Christmas time episode. Just as nonsensical as an M. Night Shyamalan screenplay, it’s The Dungeon of Doom storyline. “Where am I!? There’s no Hulkamaniacs here! I’ve never been here before! Ah! It’s not hot! What is this place!?” Holy shit. This might be the best episode of OSW Review ever. It’s double main event. A monster truck sumo battle between Hulk Hogan and The Giant, aka The Big Show, the kayfabe son of Andre the Giant, and a WCW Championship match also between Hulk Hogan and The Giant, a proud member of The Dungeon of Doom! 1995 was the only time that I lost interest in watching pro wrestling. The WWF had King Mabel while WCW had The Dungeon of Doom. Can you really blame me for tuning out? Diamond Dallas Page vs. Johnny B. Badd was a cavalcade of shit move names. Spoiler. Daniel Bryan was not the originator of the YES! NO! gimmick. It was Ed Leslie (Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake) during his time as The Zodiac. “Macho Man” Randy Savage and Lex Luger both needed to defeat members of The Dungeon of Doom so that they could wrestle each other even though the were both baby-faces at the time. Why? Fuck if I know. By the bones of Amun-Ra and the many moons of Jupiter… The Dungeon of Doom’s monster truck is far superior to Hulk Hogan’s! Great reading by V1. Kevin Sullivan shaved off Hulk Hogan’s mustache and Hulk Hogan was wearing his Hollywood Hogan gear a year before the formation of the nWo. What sense does any of this make? Fuck if I know, but apparently it was etched in stone. The only major non Dungeon of Doom angle was another chapter in the Sting vs. The Four Horsemen rivalry. Sting was foolhardy to trust Ric Flair, who of course betrayed him and realigned himself with Arn Anderson and Brian Pillman to reform The Horsemen. Let’s talk the double main event debacle. Hulk Hogan defeats The Giant in the monster truck sumo match, then The Giant falls off the roof (to his death?) after performing the Aloha-Arn. No worries as The Giant inexplicably returns for the title match. Jimmy Hart turns on Hulk Hogan, Lex Luger turns on Randy Savage and joins The Dungeon of Doom, and then we have one of best worst debuts of all time… IT’S THE YETI!!! Holy shit. The Yeti is an abominable snowman, who’s a damn mummy for some unknown reason like “The Horror Express” (1972) with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. Jay Hunter reveals that The Yeti was meant to be The Giant Gonzales. Mystery solved. Thank you, Jay. The Giant wins by DQ and somehow that makes him the WCW Champion. Was this WCW’s attempt to recreate the Hulk Hogan losing the WWF Championship to Andre the Giant controversy with The Hebner Twins and The Million Dollar Man? If it was, they failed so badly that they bizarrely succeeded. This pay-per-view was good for a laugh, but you can’t take it seriously. So, who’s the star of this episode? I’ll have to say it’s The Yeti, but I only wish I could pronounce it the way Tony Schiavone did. Cheers. 10/10.
WWF ROYAL RUMBLE 2001 (Episode 47)
“Let’s not compliment Kane here,” says Mr. OOC and I do a spit take. Actually, I did several spit takes while watching this episode. I ended up drinking very little of my beverage. It was a real struggle to not spit on my laptop. This was the start of the road to WrestleMania XVII arc. The WWF was still going strong while WCW and ECW were on their deathbeds. This was the first Royal Rumble covered by the OSW boys since the 1992 edition. The Dudley Boyz defeated Edge & Christian for the Tag Team Titles to open the pay-per-view. It was a concussion angle. I agree with V1. This shit would never fly today. I didn’t realize that this was only the second time that The Dudley Boyz won the gold in the WWF. Drew Carey: WWE Hall of Famer Class of 2011. Fuck right off. They didn’t even announce that he’d be in the Royal Rumble until after the pay-per-view had already started, so he deserves absolutely no credit for the success of this show. It’s tough to watch a Chris Benoit these days, but the OSW boys made it enjoyable. Chris Jericho defeated Chris Benoit in a Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship. This was back before every single Ladder Match needing to be TLC or Money in the Bank with several competitors and dozens of ladders. Frosted-tips Michael Cole. What a wank pheasant. Sigh. I don’t have anything to say about Chyna challenging Ivory for the Women’s Championship other than the John Kronus reference. #NeedsMoreKronus. McMahon family bollocks. Triple H vs. Kurt Angle for the WWF Championship had the Stephanie McMahon / Trish Stratus catfight distraction. Catfight? Catfight? Where’s Joey Styles when we need him? Kurt Angle took a backseat as WWF Champion to the Linda McMahon sedation storyline and Vince McMahon having an affair with Trish Stratus. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin interfered in the match and cost Triple H. A hollow win for Kurt Angle. But, what about the actual Royal Rumble? That’s what we paid to see. V1 had fond memories of The Hardy Boyz, but no recollection of Bull Buchanan. Kane dominated the match with 11 eliminations. A record broken by Roman Reigns in 2014. I appreciated the Kane frizz updates. Breaking news. Grand Master Sexay was a Jay Hunter boy. Entrant #15… It’s Tazz!!! Who only lasted five second before being eliminated. What an Oompa-Loompas sized jobber. Test (Jay’s boy) eliminated William Regal (V1’s boy). Surprise entrants included The Honky Tonk Man and Haku, who Jay called by his WCW name, Meng. Kane eliminated The Rock (who would main event WrestleMania anyway), then Steve Austin eliminated Kane to win his third Royal Rumble. So, who’s the star of this episode? Well, it’s not Drew Carey. Fuck him. It should be Kane in all fairness, but instead it’s The Big Show and Billy Gunn… The Show Gunns!!! (Who actually hadn’t formed their short-lived tag team yet.) Cheers. 10/10.
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