THREE GUYS AND… WWE
series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson
“MONDAY NIGHT RAW 5/23/16”
written by Dominick Cappello
Dr. Jelly was 6&2 in his WWE Extreme Rules predictions. Not too shabby.
Seth Rollins is back, baby! I was never a huge fan of his promos because – like Triple H – it takes him a while to get to the damn point, but after months of Roman Reigns being “the guy”, Seth Rollins is a breath of fresh air. He was greeted as a returning hero and then did his best to turn the crowd against him, but he’ll still have a lot of fan support when he challenges Roman Reigns, the new undisputed king of no-selling finishers, for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I try not to be a hater, but how many chair shots did Roman no-sell at Extreme Rules? A dozen?
Sami Zayn defeated Sheamus in a Money in the Bank qualifying match. The WWE wasted the briefcase on Sheamus last year and he ending up having an uneventful three week reign as WWE Champion. Sheamus was a sore loser, attacking Apollo Crews backstage, so I assumed that Apollo would forfeit his qualifying match to Chris Jericho later in the night. The New Day defeated The Social Outcasts, who are now sans Adam Rose. Heath Slater took a birthday cake to the face after the match, but I how I wish it was Michael Cole who was covered in cake. It was the 12ooth episode of Monday Night RAW and that would have been a fitting way to celebrate its history. Humiliating the idiot that most people didn’t want to replace Jim Ross.
The Miz is still Intercontinental Champion. Why? What did I do to deserve this? At least he lost his Money in the Bank qualifying match to Cesaro. Stephanie McMahon informed Seth Rollins that he will no longer be protected by The Authority, which isn’t even a thing anymore… hopefully. Chris Jericho vs. Apollo Crews happened anyway and Apollo seemed to be no-selling the beat down from Sheamus. Y2J won and qualified for Money in the Bank. I’m not really sure what they’re doing with Apollo Crews. They should have had illustrated the point that veteran Chris Jericho, who was covered in bandages from the night before, could only defeat a member of the so-called new era because of Sheamus, protecting Apollo, and setting up a Sheamus vs. Apollo match.
The Dolph Ziggler / Baron Corbin feud isn’t over yet. Sigh. But, my spirits were lifted because you know who else made their return? None other than Enzo Amore! My paisan! Welcome back! Big Cass then defeated Bubba Ray Dudley in a singles match. Obviously, Enzo isn’t clear to wrestle just yet, but I’m glad to have him back cutting promos. Charlotte officially gave Ric Flair the boot, so that’s the last we’ll see of The Nature Boy for a while. I’m sure some people felt that this emotional moment was ruined by the fans constantly interrupting Charlotte like they did the night after WrestleMania, but she really needs to learn to not let herself become flustered when getting jeered. The fans smell blood in the water when a wrestler falters on the microphone, so a wrestler (or sports entertainer I should say) needs stand their ground like standup comedian should when be accosted by hecklers.
Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler. The battle of the lovable losers. Ambrose won and qualified for Money in the Bank. What’s this? Dean Ambrose winning matches on a regular basis? Surely you jest? However, Dolph Ziggler continues sink deeper in deeper into the quicksand that is his career. Oh, remember how excited everyone was when WWE signed members of The Bullet Club? Yeah, well, after being used to make Roman Reigns looks strong, Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows have already renounced their allegiance to AJ Styles. Wow, what a run. Less than two months. AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens in a Money in the Bank qualifying match was the main event. I guessed that KO would win, but not without controversy. I thought maybe Anderson & Gallows would attack AJ. But, I was wrong again. KO won clean with the pop-up powerbomb.
So, that’s Sami Zayn, Cesaro, Chris Jericho, Dean Ambrose, and Kevin Owens in the Money in the Bank match so far. There are two more spots to be filled. As of right now, it’s between Dean Ambrose and Kevin Owens as to who’s the favorite to win the briefcase. What about AJ Styles? What’s he doing at Money in the Bank? Him and a mystery partner against Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows? I’m not really sure. Oh, and we all know that Rusev might lose the United States Championship next week to a returning John Cena, but The Bulgarian Brute wasn’t even on tonight, which of course means there was no sign of Lana. C’mon, how many times do we have to say this… #WeWantLana
– Dr. Rochester