KING KONG ESCAPES

THREE GUYS AND… A MOVIE

series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson

“KING KONG ESCAPES”

written by Dominick Cappello

NEGATIVE:

My colleagues seem to enjoy these dopey Japanese monster movies. Well, they must have missed this one. King Kong vs. Robo-Kong. King Kong? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. You use to be a titan. An icon. The 1960s were a dark time for you because you were in some bargain basement movies.

A sequel to “King Kong vs. Godzilla” (1962) that even Godzilla had the good taste to not appear in. He was likely preparing for the masterpiece (not really) that is “Godzilla’s Revenge” (1971). The plot of this film has a submarine searching for King Kong because underwater is the best place to find an ape. Meanwhile, a mad scientist has built a mechanical King Kong that will tunnel underground for something called Element X. Whoever possesses Element X will be able to conquer the world. This is a Saturday morning cartoon screenplay, so Dr. Jelly must be a fan. The mad scientist is in cahoots with a sorceress, played by Mie Hama, who was a Bond Girl in “You Only Live Twice” (1967). Robo-Kong malfunctions ten minutes into the film. What a piece of shit.

It’s business as usual for the real King Kong, whose rubber suit is slightly less awful than it was in “King Kong vs. Godzilla”, but now he has bug eyes for some reason, as he fights a dinosaur called Gorosaurus and then kidnaps a woman. By the way, only Dr. Rochester cared what the dinosaur’s name was. The mad scientist abducts King Kong and brainwashes the beast. Actually, the middle third of the film as little to do with King Kong. Get ready to use of your fast forward button. I don’t know what my life would be without it. King Kong eventually escapes, hence the title of the movie, and makes his way to Tokyo.

The sorceress has a change of heart and pulls a gun on the mad scientist. Why? I don’t care and neither should you. Robo-Kong pursues King Kong and then it’s monster vs. machine atop a tower. Robo-Kong’s secret weapon is that his eyes glow. Seriously? That’s it? He’s would totally be Mechagodzilla’s bitch. The very top of the tower breaks off and Robo-Kong falls to its demise. Score one for the real King Kong even if it was a cheap win. King Kong returns to his island, but stops to first destroy the mad scientist’s ship. Oh, I should have mentioned this earlier, but the scientist’s name was Dr. Who. I’m above making any jokes, but feel free to do as you like.

You want to know what’s funny in a sad sort of way? This isn’t even the worst King Kong movie. So, what is the worst? Nope, it’s not “King Kong” (1976) as crummy as that was. It’s “King Kong Lives” (1986), which you probably didn’t even know existed, but I can assure you that it brought horrible up to a whole new level.

– Dr. Frisbee

Author: Dominick

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