THREE GUYS AND… A MOVIE
series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson
“HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING”
written by Dominick Cappello
WTF!? This sequel is set in 2024 and is a cheaply hobbled together science-fiction film as appose to the original film’s clever blend of fantasy and gritty action. Christopher Lambert reprises his role as Connor MacLeod, who goes to work for The Shield Corporation (TSC), despite his lack of qualifications, and helps develop a forcefield to protect the Earth now that the ozone layer has withered away. So, the prize turned him from an antiques dealer into a rocket scientist? I don’t mind setting the story in the future since the first film chronicled the past and the present, but I (just like everyone else) was dumbfounded by the decision to give the immortals a ludicrous backstory that does not mesh with the original film at all. As it turns out, the immortals are actually aliens who had been banished from the planet Zeist 500 years ago. Aliens!? Fucking aliens!? How did they rope Sean Connery into reprising his role as Ramirez? Blackmail?
MacLeod and Ramirez (Why did they have their Earth names on Zeist?) were part of a failed rebellion against the sinister General Katana, played by Michael Ironside, who orders his troops to take MacLeod and Ramirez prisoner. Katana is upset when they are banished to Earth instead of being executed. Well, if you wanted them dead, why the hell did you give orders for them to be taken alive? And who are the priests who handed out the sentence? Are they the rulers of Zeist? If Katana isn’t the supreme leader, then why was there a rebellion against him?
On Earth, Louise Marcus, a radical played by Virginia Madsen is out to destroy TSC because the company was taken over by evil businessmen after MacLeod retired. Meanwhile, the people have lost hope because the sun has been blocked out. Is it just me or this plot sound terrible? Louise seeks out MacLeod, who is now elderly, but he becomes young and immortal again when he beheads two jackass henchmen on hoverboards, sent to Earth by Katana. Somehow, MacLeod is able to resurrect Ramirez during the quickening. By the way, “The Quickening” is when immortals can spidey-sense one another, but is also what it’s called when one immortal is absorbing a slain immortal’s powers. Ramirez reappears in Scotland, so it takes him some time to travel to wherever the hell MacLeod is living. I guess he’s in the Unites States. I didn’t care enough to pay attention.
For some reason, MacLeod and Louise fall in love. Katana teleports to Earth (somehow) and crashes a subway car for shits and giggles. He then joins forces with the TSC board of directors for no other reason than it’s more convenient to have all the villains in one locale for the climax. Katana’s dialogue was chock-full of pop culture references that a fucking alien should not be aware of. Someone should’ve taken a dump on the screenplay.
Ramirez arrives and joins MacLeod and Louise for their assault on TSC headquarters. They are captured and nearly diced by a giant fan, but Ramirez nobly sacrifices himself to save MacLeod and Louise. He teases that we haven’t seen the last of him, but Sean Connery never appeared in another “Highlander” film after this catastrophe. Can you blame him? MacLeod and Katana battle, continuity gaffs are abound, MacLeod decapitates Katana, then destroys the shield with the power of the quickening, which I guess is a good thing? Because the ozone layer had grown back like a chia pet? Maybe one day I’ll get around to watching the so-called “renegade version” that nixes all the idiotic alien junk, but for now I’m supremely confidant that THERE SHOULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN ONLY ONE!!! “Highlander II” is one of the worst films ever made, but I highly recommend “Highlander II: Seduced by Argentina,” a documentary that chronicles the flawed production. It’s the sort of behind the scenes stuff that tickles Dr. Rochester’s fancy.
– Dr. Frisbee