THREE GUYS AND… MOVIE
series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson
“THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL”
written by Dominick Cappello
Along time ago on channel known as CBS, preempting “Wonder Woman” and “The Incredible Hulk”, sponsored by General Motors… It’s The Star Wars Holiday Special! Starring the cast of the original film! Can you believe it!? I’m not even joking. How bizarre is this? Everyone and their grandmother have been posting reviews of the holiday special as of late because with the release of “The Force Awakens”, everybody has “Star Wars” on the brain, so here’s another review of the holiday special to throw on the pile.
Since I like to remain positive and not be snarky and obnoxious like most critics, I’ll focus on the animated portion of the special. Han Solo and Chewbacca have gone missing while on a mission to recover a mystical talisman, which is also sought after by The Empire. Luke Skywalker and the droids, R2-D2 and C-3PO, come to the rescue. The Millennium Falcon crash lands on some sort of gooey red moon. A sea monster starts to devour Luke’s starfighter, which looks to be a Y-wing, then they are rescued by Boba Fett! The galaxy’s greatest bounty hunter! He’s riding a tame sea monster. Boba Fett poses as a friend, but still comes across as a badass. Luke is a bit too trusting for his own good.
The talisman causes Luke to faint. The same had happened to Han Solo. Chewbacca knows not to trust Boba Fett and accompanies him to the nearest city in search of a cure for Luke and Han. They split up and this is when Boba Fett makes contact with Darth Vader, actually voiced by James Earl Jones. Boba Fett’s orders are to gain the trust of the rebels and discover the location of their secret base, but the droids know what his scheme is after intercepting Darth Vader’s transmission. After he delivers the serum, Boba Fett is ratted out by the droids and he escapes via jetpack. That’s the end of the animated portion of the special, which I thought was pretty cool, but I’ll leave it to Dr. Frisbee to bitch and complain about the live action segments.
May the force be with you and happy holidays!
– Dr. Jelly
Boy, I thought the prequels were the shits, but The Holiday Special is like a fever dream you can’t shake. How did they rope Harrison Ford into this? Did he lose a bet? Did they have incriminating pictures? Who knows, but I feel sorry for the guy. I can see the look in his eyes. He thinks that “Star Wars” is as ridiculous as I do. Han Solo and Chewbacca are being pursued by recycled footage from the original film. Han needs to get Chewbacca home to Kashyyyk so that he can spend Life Day with his family. I didn’t even know that Chewie had a family. And what is Life Day? Who the hell knows?
The first ten minutes of this horrendous special is mostly a bunch of Wookiees growling at each, which doesn’t make for riveting television. Lumpy, the son of Chewie, watches a flashy acrobatic show for some reason. I guess that he’s killing time until his father returns? They then Skype with Luke Skywalker, who looks to be made of wax. Luke doesn’t know where Han and Chewie are either, so that was a waste of time. Art Carney plays a junk dealer and rebel sympathizer. He sends coded messages to Malla, Chewie’s wife, updating her on Chewie’s progress as he journey’s home. Darth Vader appears for the only time in the special outside of the cartoon segment. This was just a deleted scene from the original film with new dialogue recorded by James Earl Jones. We are then subjected to the first of three painfully bad Harvey Korman appearances with him playing a TV Chef who shows Malla how to prepare dinner. It’s beyond awful. Do yourself a favor and don’t watch it. Skip.
Art Carney arrives at the Wookiee treehouse and plugs Itchy, Chewie’s father, into an erotic virtual reality headset where singer Diahann Carroll talks dirty to him. Wookiees are attracted to human females? Okay? I didn’t really need to know that. Gross. Princess Leia gives them call. Thankfully, it is Malla who answers and not Itchy. Princess Leia is wearing her same wardrobe from “A New Hope” (1977). Seriously? I’m sure that The Rebellion has to skimp on certain luxuries, but let’s get the princess a new outfit. Maybe a golden slave-girl bikini? I know that Itchy would enjoy that. Art Carney is charged with protecting Chewie’s family until he returns. The Millennium Falcon lands on Kashyyyk, which look exactly like Yavin 4 because it’s more recycled footage.
Imperial Officers and Storm Troopers invade the treehouse, looking for rebel sympathizers, but instead they watch a trippy Jefferson Starship concert. So he doesn’t have to be subjected to the tyranny of The Empire, Lumpy is told to go watch cartoons. A cartoon that happens to feature characters from the “Star Wars” universe. How in the hell is that even possible? What sense does that make? At least Boba Fett has more lines in this cartoon than he does in “The Empire Strikes Back” (1980). In the cartoon, Princess Leia is still wearing her outfit from “A New Hope”! This is starting to piss me off! She doesn’t wear the same exact dress everyday!
At this point, I desperately needed an intermission, but bravely decided to press on so not to prologue my suffering. If only I knew what was awaiting me. Another damn Harvey Korman segment! An instructional video! Are you freaking kidding me!? An instructional video! No, thank you! Apparently, Imperial Officers and Storm Troopers are required to watch a program entitled “Life on Tatooine”. The purpose is to make you feel better about your lot in life by showing how crappy they have in back on Tatooine. I believe that is how “The Jersey Shore” came into existence. Bea Arthur is a barmaid at the infamous Mos Eisley cantina. All of the regulars are sloshed at their favorite watering hole… including Greedo. Wait? Greedo? Isn’t he dead? You know, after Han shot first? Harvey Korman stops by for a drink. Sigh. Not this guy again. He’s in love with Bea Arthur. Whatever. I don’t care. This isn’t “Star Wars”!!! Somebody whip out a damn lightsaber!!! Now!!!
One Storm Trooper is left behind, but he falls to his death after Chewbacca and Han Solo finally arrive. Han says farewell to the Wookiees, then he gets the hell out of there. The actually Life Day celebration is totally bizarre. The Wookiees hold these glowing orbs, then are transported to another realm where there is a magically tree. At least, I think that’s what happened. I can’t really be sure because what I was watching was insane. Like the script was written by an absolute madman. Everyone meets the Wookiees by the tree. Luke, Han, Leia, and the droids. Wait a damn minute! If you could just me magically transported to the tree, then why did Chewie actually have to return home!? He didn’t have to physically be there if the holiday is celebrated on another plane of existence!
C-3PO says that even though he and R2-D2 are there at the tree, they can’t fully appreciate the holiday because they are just artificial life forms. Well, that’s a bummer. Princess Leia sings the Life Day song, which is cringe worthy on some many levels, then the special ends with a montage of moments from “A New Hope”. Not all of which are Chewbacca related, so I don’t get what they were going for. They should have had Princess Leia present Chewie with a medal, making up for him being snubbed after the destruction of the Death Star. The credits roll and I breathed a sigh of relief. My ordeal was over. I’m glad that George Lucas was embarrassed by this abysmal holiday special.
– Dr. Frisbee