series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson


by Dominick Cappello

Something Wall Mart This Way (Season 8, Episode 9)

If anyone knows a good bargain, it’s none other than Randy Marsh. The patriarch of South Park. A Wall Mart has opened up in town. To say that Randy is excited would be an understatement. “It’s simple economics, son. I don’t understand it at all”. Wall Mart even visits him in his dreams. Staying up shopping all night until he collapses is well worth it. How else could he get fifteen packets of glittery stickers for only 99 cents? The residents of South Park soon feel that they need a reprieve from the Wall Mart, so they ask the store manager to pack up and leave town. This is when the Wall Mart begins to exhibit signs of being a conscious entity. Since no one cannot resist the urge to shop, they do the only sensible thing. They burn the Wall Mart to the ground. Kumbaya. But, it’s not that easy to destroy the Wall Mart. It is quickly rebuilt, so Randy takes a job at the store for even better discounts even though he is a geologist by trade. It’s clear that he is powerless, so Stan and Kyle destroy the heart of Wall Mart (a mirror) and the store is sucked into an alternate dimension… and craps itself. Kumbaya.

The Losing Edge (Season 9, Episode 5)

The South Park little league team is on its way to the state championship. The kids don’t actually enjoy the tedious game, but have no choice other than to play. Randy, on the other hand, looks forward to each game because he loves to pick fights with other beer swilling fathers. He doesn’t even care that he ends up being arrested afterwards. He’s also not worried about fighting a tougher crop of drunk dads during the play-offs because he plans on training. He wakes up every morning at 7:30 to make himself scrambled eggs and have a beer. This is the sort of training that I would find preferable to jogging. His greatest challenge will be The Batdad. The ultimate trash-talking little league dad. “Batdad knows no fear. Batdad knows no pain”. Randy is intimidated and initially backs down, but after some inspirational words from his wife Sharon, he confronts Batdad and the two engage in a street fight reminiscent of Rocky V (1990). By continuing to brawl and defeating Batdad, Randy gets the South Park team disqualified, which is what they wanted all along, so he won in more ways than one. Randy! Randy! Randy!

Bloody Mary (Season 9, Episode 14)

Stan is learning the art of discipline from his karate class while Randy’s drinking is getting somewhat out of hand. He is pulled over for drunk driving and as part of his court ordered community service, he must speak to Stan’s 4th grade class about the dangers of drinking and driving. This mortifies his son to no end. While attending a support group, Randy learns that alcoholism is a disease. It takes that a bit literally, shaving his head and limiting himself to a wheel chair even though he is perfectly capable of walking. Meanwhile, it is believed that a statue of the Virgin Mary can make miracles happen. Randy, who won’t stop drinking because he believes he is powerless against his disease, and Stan travel to the statue, looking for a cure. There is a long line and Randy cuts ahead of people with actual afflictions. Even I have trouble justifying those actions. A sympathetic policeman ushers Randy to the front of the line and the statue apparently cures him. Considering that his symptoms were mostly psychosomatic, this is no great miracle. When the story about the statue is debunked on the news, Randy relapses, so Stan must teach him the art of discipline. Randy learns to drink responsibly. In moderation. It’s good thing that Stan had such a good teacher. His karate teacher.

With Apologies to Jesse Jackson (Season 11, Episode 1)

Randy appears on the always popular game show “Wheel of Fortune”. The puzzles that he must solve is “people who annoy you”. The answer is naggers, but unfortunately for Randy, he guesses something else. A word that I’m not going repeat for obvious reasons. His family is mortified and he must apologize to Reverend Jesse Jackson. An apology that includes kissing his bare ass. Randy is ridiculed and he only has the likes of Michael Richards coming to his defense. He goes before the senate and gets the words used against him banned because it could eventually be used against all white people. Of course, the word that he used on “Wheel of Fortune” is still allowed. A little bit of hypocrisy.

Over Logging (Season 12, Episode 6)

The Marsh Family is obsessed with the internet as is everyone else in their quiet mountain town. Randy’s favorite online videos are almost all x-rated, so he is the most irritated when the internet inexplicably disappears. The family heads out west in a parody of “The Grapes of Wrath”. When they finally find some internet, Randy needs some privacy and uses up all of the internet to satisfy his own needs. Then, he is attacked by a ghost!!! That’s what he said happened and I’ll take his word for it. When the internet returns thanks to Kyle Broflovski, Randy gives a rousing speech at City Hall, urging internet users to restrains themselves. To only use the internet for pornography twice a day. What a hero.

Pandemic 2: The Startling (Season 12 , Episode 11)

In “Pandemic”, Randy became obsessed with his new video camera, documenting every aspect of his family’s life. At the end of the episode, the story transitioned into a found footage flick. “They’re so furry!” The obvious inspiration was “Cloverfield” (2008). In this follow up episode, there is a subplot involving the boys in Peru, narrated by Craig of all people, but let’s focus on Randy and his plight. Giant guinea pigs are terrorizing South Park. It’s up to Randy to protect Sharon and Shelly… and to film everything. Sharon doesn’t appreciate Randy taking the time to get some good shots as they run for their lives. What a buzzkill. Speaking of buzzing, there’s something much worse than giant guinea pigs on the loose and that’s giant bees. Giant bees that oddly resemble guinea pigs in cute little costumes. Ever wonder why there’s so much unnecessary shaky cam in found footage movies? Well, it’s because people like Randy shake the camera for dramatic effect. He does this in a grocery store much to the chagrin of Sharon. Guinea rabbits and guinea mice assault the grocery store. This is when Randy switches to night vision and startles himself. Three days into this ordeal is when the deadliest creature of them all arrives… a guinea-saurus rex. Pan flute bands are the key to defeating the giant guinea monsters. Once they do, we learn that Randy never had a tape in the camera. Shucks.

Pinewood Derby (Season 13, Episode 6)

Stan is entered in a pinewood derby race, but it’s Randy who is obsessed with winning. In fact, even steals parts from Large Hadron Collider guised as Princess Leia. Because of this, the little wooden car achieves warp speed. The car is discovered in outer space by an alien fugitive, who then comes to Earth demanding that Stan and Randy repair his spacecraft. Instead, Randy stabs the alien in the neck. Randy and the people of Earth decide to keep the alien’s “space” cash, but this all turns out to be a test. The people of Earth, especially Randy, are so greedy that the rest of the universe wants nothing to do with us. “Well, that sucks”.

Crème Fraiche (Season 14, Episode 14)

Okay, remember back when Randy was addicted to internet pornography? Well, now he’s addicted to the food network, forcing Sharon to use parental controls to block the channel. Randy enjoyment of preparing gourmet meals borders on sexual arousal. He takes a job working in the cafeteria of South Park Elementary, which is yet another way to humiliate his son. He seems to believe that he has his own cooking show and talks to an audience that isn’t there. Eric Cartman poses as celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey so to tell Randy that his cooking sucks, but it is Sharon who “lends a hand” shake weight style. Randy, now relieved, completely loses interest in becoming a professional chef.

A Nightmare on FaceTime (Season 16, Episode 12)

The Marsh’s are going to be rich! Randy is the proud new owner of a Blockbuster video store! Of course, this being the age of Netflix, Hulu, and other online streaming services, Randy has trouble drumming up business. The only patrons are ghosts because Blockbuster video is evidently so outdated that it’s haunted. However, Randy may be hallucinating this spooky specters because the stress of running an unsuccessful establishment is causing him to go nuts Jack Torrance style. The culmination of his madness is a Halloween night axe-wielding rampage. He assumed incorrectly that many people would be renting scary movies. Luckily, his family is use to him being an idiot by now and offer to go to McDonalds the next morning and get him some chicken nuggets.

Black Friday (Season 17, Episode 7)

Okay, technically this was the first of three episodes that were a clever “Game of Thrones” parody. So, this is sort of like a top twelve list. Randy takes a job as mall security guard, claiming that he is looking to earn some extra cash during the holidays, but he is really there to get the jump on all the day after Thanksgiving discounts. The mall security guards are akin to The Night’s Watch. The mall patrons are The White Walkers. The hot item they are seeking is “Stop Touching Me” Elmo. Over the next two episodes, Randy repents of his selfish ways and eventually becomes the leader after his mentor is killed by anger shoppers. A prosthetic scar is the symbol of authority. Still, after the final battle, Randy purchases the television set which was his originally motivation. What? Were you really expecting Randy to change? Then you haven’t really been paying attention to this article.

– Dr. Rochester

*Dr. Frisbee was morally apposed to this article.

Author: Dominick

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