THREE GUYS AND… RETRO WRESTLING
series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson
“OSW REVIEW: A WINNER IS YOU”
written by Dominick Cappello
Happy days are here again! If you love old school wrestling, then OSW Review is required viewing. Sure, I blog about classic WWF and some modern WWE pay-per-views, but I must tip my hat because nobody does it better than these boys. X-Pac, Justin Credible, and Albert got nothing on Jay Hunter, V1, and Mr. OOC. From V1’s missing hard drive, to the tenner Mr. OOC wasted on Virgil, to every round of “What Bar?”, every episode of OSW is a joy to sit through. They’re the reason that Big Bully Busick has become a household name. Well, at least in my household. What began as chronologically critiquing the pay-per-views of the Hulkamania era (1985-1992) has expanded to include lesbian pollen and XFL retrospectives. I’m sorry I haven’t done a tribute to OSW… Sorry I didn’t do it sooner… So, let’s break six thousand guitars, never draw a dime, and talk about some of my favorite episodes…
WWF WRESTLEMANIA IX (Episode 30)
The episode begins with a touching tribute to Matthew “Doink” Osborne. 1957 – 2013. RIP. Just when they thought they were out, the OSW boys get pulled back in. It’s the return of “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan… during what was meant to be the kickoff of The WWF New Generation with Bret “Hit Man” Hart as WWF Heavyweight Champion. Yikes. It’s the early days of Monday Night RAW and this WrestleMania had a Roman Colosseum theme as the event was held in a makeshift arena outside of Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada. It’s the debut of Jim Ross as a WWF play-by-play man and he’s wearing a toga. Well, everyone’s wearing a toga, so it’s not too bad. I didn’t find “Macho Man” Randy Savage as offensive on color commentary as the OSW boys did. As far as Hulk Hogan goes, there were “We want Hulk!” chants at the 1993 Royal Rumble and the “Hogan!” chants during The Undertaker / Giant Gonzales match were legit. The OSW boys have been spurned so many times by Hulk Hogan that they assumed the chants were piped in as they were during the Coliseum Home Video release of the 1992 Royal Rumble. The “Sherri” chants during the Intercontinental Championship match were also legit and not piped in. I know this because pre WWE Network, I was relying on my old VHS tapes to see classic WWF shows. Not the Coliseum Home Video releases with crowd sweetening, but tapes of the live pay-per-view feeds with genuine crowd reactions and no lousy dubbed over entrance music. Up until this particular episode of OSW, I had never seen the Coliseum Home Video exclusives of Lex Luger knocking out Bret Hart at a charity brunch (while in cahoots with Worzel Gummidge!) and Bret Hart being interviewed by Raymond Rougeau in what looks like a toolshed. So, on the actual live pay-per-view, we saw little footage of Bret Hart, the reigning champion, before the main event. Oh my goodness. Hulkamania absolutely steamrolled The Excellence of Execution. So, who’s the star of this episode? Well, it’s gotta be Doink, brah, you’re making kids cry, brah! Heck, we get two Doinks for the price of one! This was back when Doink was a heel and absolutely awesome! V1 made comparisons to Pennywise from Stephen King’s “It”. Honorably mention goes to the Ed Leslie (Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake) career retrospective and his ludicrous 18 gimmick names compiled by Jay Hunter. Cheers. 10/10.
WCW SLAMBOREE 2000 (Episode 34)
For me, this is the most iconic opening to any OSW episode. “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” (2002) but with some of WCW’s most infamously bad calls. “Sting has been caged by The Horseman, but hears comes Robocop”. Magnificent. The culmination of the David Arquette trilogy, which saw the star of “Ready to Rumble” (2001) win the world title on WCW Thunder. Yikes. At least we got to see Kurt Russell in a pre-taped segment. Mark Madden sucks. I hated this smarky bastard. He had replaced Bobby “The Brain” Heenan on color commentary. Tammy Stytch makes me sad. At this point, she should make everybody sad. V1 can give her a cup of tea and a hug. I wouldn’t want to touch her. Is Jay Hunter a Crash Holly mark? Mr. OOC seems to think so, but we may never know. WCW trying to convince us that Sean Stasiak is a better wrestler than “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig? Are they having a laugh? (I’m starting to use the same vernacular as the OSW boys). Bill DeMott, aka Hugh Morris, aka Hugh G. Rection. Fuck him. I’m so glad he was fired. Top 5 “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn matches? Okay, why not? #1 was Velvet Sky. It’s funny that the last OSW episode I viewed was WrestleMania IX because it’s the return of “The Total Package” Lex Luger, whose farty pyro paled in comparison to his epic entrances during his narcissist days in the WWF. “The Franchise” Shane Douglas vs. “Nature Boy” Ric Flair. What bar is Shane Douglas? Well, he’s a bag of premium dog food and a 1989 Batman chocolate bar. One of my favorite rounds of “What bar?” all time. I had a good friend back in high school who was a big Shane Douglas mark. Why? Who the hell likes Dean Douglas? He’s a whiny bitch. A heel turn for David Flair and his rosy cheeks while dressed as Sting? That’s nothing to really boast about, but kudos to Jay Hunter and his amazing recap of all the WCW World Title changes in the year 2000. 25 title changes results in a loss of $62,000,000 for WCW. Madness. Not Macho Madness. Just sheer madness. Billy Kidman, the BK Bomber, vs. Hulk Hogan??? No way. Billy Kidman is going to kill Hulkamania??? Fuck off. The main event was Jeff Jarrett (Vince Russo’s boy) vs. Diamond Dallas Page (Eric Bischoff’s boy) vs. David Arquette. Swerve. It’s a heel turn for David Arquette. The only world champion with less credibility than The Miz. I never ordered any WCW pay-per-views and only occasional skim through them on the WWE Network, so I thank the OSW boys for sitting through these shows in their entirety for our benefit. So, who’s the star of this episode? It’s a toss up between Ric Flair shitting all over Shane Douglas in his pre-match promo or David Arquette for his incredible heel promo on Monday Nitro. SHUUUT UUUUP!!! Cheers. 10/10.
ECW DECEMBER TO DISMEMBER (Episode 43)
I’m under the impression that the OSW boys are big fans of “The Simpsons”. Just a hunch, but you’re a Grade A moron if you don’t watch OSW. ECW, the real ECW, died in 2001. The WWE owned, Vince McMahon controlled, 2006 re-launch was an abomination. Vince McMahon doesn’t ask his audience what they want. He tells them what they want and they like it. Well, they don’t really like it. They tolerate it because what else are they going to do? Watch TNA Wrestling? Nope. It’s Vince McMahon’s garbage or nothing. Only two matches were advertised for this pay-per-view. It was reminiscent of Tuesday in Texas way back in 1991 where we find out half way through the Survivor Series that there’s another pay-per-view in less than a week and nobody really cares. Jay Hunter treats us to a Hardy Boyz (Matt & Jeff) career retrospective. The opening match / co-main event was The Hardyz vs. MNM. Two teams who have nothing to do with ECW. Most of this unbearably mediocre pay-per-view was ECW originals being jobbed out to the new breed of ECW. By new breed, I mean a bunch of jobbers and low lever mid-carders who weren’t good enough for RAW and Smackdown! Matt Striker, aka Dean Douglas 2.0, is in the running for star of the show. That’s how desperate we’ve become. However, V1 is a huge fan of the “extreme enforcement of the rules” gimmick. Sabu was attacked backstage by a mystery assailant and was replaced in the main event by Hardcore Holly, who’s only a slightly more talented prick than Hugh Morris, leaving only one ECW original, Rob Van Dam, in the Elimination Chamber. Fuck. Hardcore Holly is an OOC boy. C’mon, you can do better that Sparky Plug. Marty Jannetty is a boy. Hardcore Holly is no boy of mine. The Great Khali makes an appearance and it’s the birth of DIRTY LEE!!! A watershed moment in OSW history. What time is it!? What time is it!? It’s a quarter past ten! Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly in a mixed tag team match vs. Kevin Thorn and Ariel. What bar is Kevin vampire dude? He’s a Nestle Coffin Crisp. Someone buy V1 a can of Coke. Ariel, aka Shelly Martinez, couldn’t wrestle, but who cares. She was hot. Not to objectify women, but she was really hot. You have to love it when the OSW boys serenade us with Candice Michelle’s entrance music. Oh, it was an awful theme, but I loved the OSW cover. The OSW boys sandbag The Sandman’s run-in at the end of the mixed tag team match. They needed to discuss the nuclear heat garnering Michael Cole cameo where he hypes the next WWE pay-per-view, Armageddon. Lamenting the sad state of the Smackdown! roster, I can’t help but always laugh when Mr. OOC mentions Dave Taylor even though I’ve seen this episode numerous times. CM Punk and Rob Van Dam were eliminated early from the chamber match, leaving fans no choice but to cheer for Bobby Lashley. Well, I guess that was the plan. Just like eliminating Daniel Bryan early from the 2015 Royal Rumble meant the fans had no choice but to cheer for Roman Reigns. Unfortunately, the fans rejected the match. It was all the fault of Vince McMahon’s booking, but it was Paul Heyman who had to fall on his sword. As shit as this pay-per-view was, it was great fodder for the incomparable OSW. So, who’s the star of this episode? It’s V1 for making sure everybody knows what a piece of shit Hardcore Holly was and is. Cheers. 10/10.
(At oswreview.com you will also find movie and game reviews because they’re awesome.)