series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson

“GODZILLA (1998)”

written by Dominick Cappello


His foot is as big as a bus! He’s as tall as a skyscraper! The screenplay is as shitty as a pile of horseshit! The film opens with nuclear tests mutating an iguana into a giant Godzilla sized monster. It’s a Godzilla sized monster, but not actually Godzilla. I guess having it be a regular ole lizard and not a prehistoric hybrid is meant to be a more realistic approach, but what’s the point with a movie as dumb as this? With a giant iguana on the loose, the government has no choice but to call upon Dr. Ferris Bueller to save the world. What if he was unavailable? Would they have rung up Duckie from “Pretty in Pink”? Maybe he was busy with King Kong? I heard “The Breakfast Club” has been fighting Gamera. Anyway, Kent Brockman has left Channel 6 News in Springfield and is now anchoring in New York City where he sexual harasses his subordinates. Ironically, Moe Szylack works as a cameraman for the same station and Bart Simpson is a receptionist.

Roger Ebert is the mayor of New York because he thought “Independence Day” was stupid and this is his punishment. The giant iguana attacks the city because it was the 1990s and every movie had to destroy New York. This was before San Francisco became every director’s favorite target. Dr. Ferris Bueller deduces that the monster has come to Manhattan because it’s an island with water on all sides (as if we didn’t know what an island was) and a place where it can easily hide. WHAT!? HOW IS MANHATTEN A PLACE WHERE IT CAN EASILY HIDE!? WHAT FUCKING SENSE DOES THAT MAKE!? HOW COULD IT DISAPPEAR WITHOUT ANYONE IN THE CITY SEEING WHERE IT WENT!? FUCK OFF!!! But, I digress. The military tries to capture the monster and the CGI is so awful that it almost looks transparent. Sadly, the Godzilla in this movie cannot breath fire because it’s a giant iguana, but it can roar and make vehicles catch fire with the power of its breath if that’s any consolation. Godzilla goes for a swim in the Hudson River and apparently gets killed by a submarine. Godzilla sleeps with the fishes.

Meanwhile, Dr. Ferris Bueller joins the French Secret Service so they can do impressions of Elvis Presley and sneak into Madison Square Garden to search for the creature’s nest. It turns out that Godzilla is asexual and has laid a bunch of eggs. Godzilla lays an egg? Why? Why would you do this to Godzilla? Why would you strip him of all dignity? The eggs hatch and out pop a bunch of Velociraptors. I try not be derivative of anyone else reviews, but it’s impossible in this instance because everyone who’s reviewed this movie has pointed out how it’s more like a “Jurassic Park” wannabe than a “Godzilla” movie. Godzilla looks a lot like Tyrannosaurus Rex and its offspring look like Velociraptors. They were clearly trying to ape of the success of “Jurassic Park.” Madison Square Garden blows up, then Godzilla returns and chases the main characters in a taxi cab. WHAT!? YOU’RE A GIANT FUCKING MONSTER! JUST STEP ON THE TAXI AND END IT! HOW COULD YOU LET THEM GET AWAY!? But, I digress. The ludicrous chase scene ends atop the Brooklyn Bridge and the military kills the giant iguana with missiles. Yes, I know everyone hates how it’s killed by missiles when the original Godzilla was impervious to standard weaponry, but shouldn’t we just be glad the movie is over? Toho denounced this version of Godzilla even though they approved of the giant iguana design. Actually, I don’t think its bad creature design, it’s just not Godzilla and screenplay was so atrocious that it didn’t matter what the new Godzilla looked like. Toho had its cake and ate it too. They cashed their royalty checks, then had the real Godzilla bitch-slap the giant iguana in “Godzilla: Final Wars.”

– Dr. Frisbee

Author: Dominick

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