series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson


written by Dominick Cappello

DR FRISBEE Spoiler alert: There is no Book of Shadows!!! There are characters who are working on a book about The Blair Witch, but that isn’t the title because – shit – why have the actual title of the movie make any sense. Everyone’s getting jazzed for the upcoming third Blair Witch movie… forgetting that this abomination ever happened. You know it’s not going to be any good whenever a sequel is cranked out less than a year after the original film was released. Just saying out loud that there’s a second Blair Witch movie sounds like a joke. I know people who to this day refuse to believe that the sequel even exists. “The Blair Witch Project” (1999) is treated as a movie within the movie which may or may not have been based on a true story… I think… The screenplay is a bit convoluted and the editing is a spastic mess, so I can only assume that’s what the story was supposed to be.

The main character is the dude from “Burn Notice” (2007), so I’ll just refer to him as Burn Notice dude from here on in. Burn Notice dude is a former mental patient, who is now a tour guide, taking advantage of all the dummies who naively believe in the legend of The Blair Witch. The story is told in a series of flashbacks even though that wasn’t what the director had in mind. Scenes which weren’t written or filmed to be a flashback were reedited as flashbacks despite that ruining the pacing and killing any and all suspense. Members of the tour group include a horrendously bland couple, Stephen and Tristen, who are researching a book which isn’t the titular book of shadows. At least the movie has sex appeal. There’s Erica, the slender Wicken with fiery red hair, and Kim, the curvy Goth chick who likes to party. Well, hello ladies.

Kim uses her Goth spidey-sense to determnine that Tristen is pregnant. For some reason, within the flashbacks are several flash-forwards to a rival tour group being murdered. Huh? Flash-forwards within flashbacks? Our five loser protagonists party too hard and pass out. They wake up the next morning to find their equipment destroyed and that Tristen has unfortunately suffered a miscarriage. Burn Notice dude lives in abandoned factory and that’s where they bring Tristen to convalesce. Okay, I’ll give the movie some credit for changing things up. Not being a found footage film and not taking place entirely in the woods. Thumbs up for a new premise, but whatever the director’s original vision was, it was clearly destroyed during post-production by meddlesome studio executives.

Apparently, The Blair Witch has followed them back to the factory… or at least her curse has? I don’t know how witchcraft works. There are strange occurrences such as Stephen dreaming that Erica is seducing him. Hmm… Not such a bad curse after all. Way better than any of the dreams I’ve had lately. Also, Burn Notice dude’s van has been totaled. Erica’s topless corpse is found in a closest. They then check the tapes recorded while in the woods and discover that they had a bizarre satanic orgy before murdering the other tour group. Burn Notice dude, Stephen, and Kim conclude that Tristen has been possessed by The Blair Witch, so they hang her. Well, sucks to be her. However, after Burn Notice dude, Stephen, and Kim are arrested, it is revealed that Tristen was never possessed. They imagined it and killed her for no reason. What!? How!? I understand nothing! Anyone who says this makes sense to them is a filthy liar!

Evidently, what was suppose to happen was a bunch of people become so obsessed with whether or not “The Blair Witch Project” was real that they hallucinate supernatural happening until they go insane and start killing each other. Audiences should have left the theater wondering whether or not The Blair Witch was real and had possessed Tristen instead of what the hell did we just watch? The studio adding scenes of Burn Notice dude being experimented on in a mental institution and the brutal murder of the other tour group ruined everything. Also, the stupid flash-forwards spoiled which characters would live and which would die. Gee, thanks for going out of your way to make this an unenjoyable experience.

BTW Even though the director was apposed, my colleagues and I all liked the use of “Disposable Teens” by Marilyn Mason during the opening titles. Still, that doesn’t compensate for there being no book of shadows! Why!? Why was that the title of the movie!?

– Dr. Frisbee

Author: Dominick

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