BLAIR WITCH

THREE GUYS AND… A MOVIE

series created by Marvin Mercer and Nick Stephenson

“BLAIR WITCH”

written by Dominick Cappello

DR FRISBEE

Your sister has been lost in the woods since 1994 and you think she’s somehow still alive? That’s the actual premise of this movie. The younger brother of the pretentious girl from “The Blair Witch Project” comes to her rescue two decades later. I thought the trailer looked cool, but didn’t realize it was another found footage movie. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I think I prefer “Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2” for doing something different as appose to being a lame carbon copy of the original. A carbon copy peppered with fake-out jump scares.

As improbable as it sounds, because he thinks maybe he saw his sister Heather in a video on YouTube, James foolishly believes she might still be alive. Instead of discouraging him, his friends Lisa, Ashley, & Peter agree to accompany him on his quest to find Heather, which is a terrible idea. They are joined by the couple who uploaded the video to YouTube, Lane & Talia. These two are obviously trying to exploit James to become famous YouTubers. Peter is a dick. I can understand him copping an attitude with Lane & Talia because they’re clearly charlatans, but he’s not even that nice to James, who’s supposed to be his best friend. The characters in this movie are “Halloween Resurrection” levels of bland.

The famous stickmen return, but to the surprise of no one it is revealed that Lane & Talia hung them during the night. They are told to leave the group and find their own way out of the woods. The others get lost and walk in circle exactly like what happened in the original. A tree topples over and crushes Peter. Lane & Talia return. It’s only been a few hours, but they claim it’s been five days since they last saw the others. This establishes that The Blair Witch can somehow bend space and time. The movie doesn’t become interesting until about the 55-minute mark. More stickmen appear. Ashley thinks it’s another hoax and angrily breaks one in half. The stickman was tied with Talia’s hair, so it functions as a voodoo doll, causing Talia to also break in half. That’s awesome because it was something unexpected. Ashley had injured her foot earlier in the movie and now finds a stick growing inside her leg. Unfortunately, the fact that she has something growing inside her isn’t a factor in her death. She gets pushed out of a tree while attempting to retrieve a crashed drone. The movie spent so much time establishing her foot injury for no reason.

James & Lisa, who are meant to be our main characters despite them not being very interesting and them not doing much up until to this point, discover the dilapidated Rustin Parr house from the end of “The Blair Witch Project”. James thinks Heather is still inside. Dude, it’s been twenty years! What sense does that make!? I’ll admit that there are some startling moments in the final act. As I said, this movie relies heavily on jump scares. Lane returns and looks quite disheveled. It seems that he is the new Rustin Parr. We catch glimpses of a creature (that’s apparently not The Blair Witch, but rather one if The Witch’s past victims) as it chases Lisa and we see that the woman in the footage uploaded to YouTube was actually Lisa and not Heather because The Blair Witch can bend space and time. James & Lisa don’t escape and the movie ends the same way as “The Blair Witch Project” with our female protagonist being attacked and the camera falling to the floor. Very uninspired.

We had a Blair Witch sequel rushed out less than a year after the original and it was a mess, then we had to wait sixteen years for another sequel which turned out to be veiled remake of the first movie. The closest we got to a decent sequel was the “Curse of the Blair Witch” mockumentary which aired on The Sci-Fi Channel back in 1999 and can be found as special feature on a “The Blair Witch Project” DVD.

Fake-Out Jump Scare Counter: 8

– Dr. Frisbee

Author: Dominick

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